i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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