I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
