Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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