how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
