yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
