Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
