BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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