how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
