Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
