my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
