my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
