i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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