Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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