3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
