you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
