I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
