This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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