Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
