In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
