but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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