I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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