i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
