Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
