u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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