i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Randomize
