I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
