I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
