Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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