U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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