If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
