I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
