the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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