i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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