At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
