Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
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