It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
