i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
