I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
