So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We're too hungover to prance.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
