I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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