Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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