Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
