She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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