a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
He shit in the fireplace
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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