I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
