remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
