hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
