i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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