if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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