theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
